Being assertive in our lives is a challenging task.  But this is the best way to be more honest with ourselves and  others while gaining  confidence and self-respect, while being respectful  writes Colin Savio Coelho.

Have you encountered a situation like this?  You are playing a game of Scrabble at your friend’s place.  You have told your parents you will be home by 6 pm.  At the end of the game you look at your watch.  It is 5.30 pm and you will have just enough time to get home by the deadline.  But your friend pleads with you, “Can we play just one more game?  It has suddenly got so interesting.  Please can we play just one more game?  You meekly agree, make an unreasonable 8 pm entry into the home.  You have upset  your parents…and  yourself. 

How do you react to this situation?  Do you feel low and wish that you had left at 5.30?  You rue your indiscretion in saying yes to your friend and really putting yourself in a tight spot.  “I wish I could say no,” you say, and yet you don’t know how you could do it to such a good friend  when you were probably enjoying the game but had to get home as well.  You wish  you could’ve  been more assertive.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a word that means so much in today’s stressful world.  Being assertive is mainly just being yourself.  Your ability to say a firm ‘no’ or a ‘yes’ as the circumstance demands is vital.  It is all about setting up clear boundaries and sticking to them.  Assertiveness is also about standing up for your rights and respecting your ideas and those of the other person.

Neville and his mother were traveling to visit his uncle in  Mumbai.  Neville made friends with some boys in the compartment.  They talked and joked together.  Neville and his mother had dinner at 9 pm and retired for the night, on their reserved  berths.

Neville’s new friends though, continued talking a while on various issues. Their discussion became heated and noisy,  with no signs of it ending even at midnight.

Neville and his mother were definitely feeling disturbed, but were reluctant to say anything.  Finally, Neville decided that  he had to do something.  He got up and firmly told the group, “My mother and I wish to sleep now.  I would appreciate if you could tone down your voices so that we could rest.”  The boys immediately realized that they were not alone in the compartment and eventually went on to sleep themselves.

That’s The Way

We can be very assertive by standing up for ourselves.  We can express our opinion without fear when we feel we need to.  It is also about saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty in any way.  You also need to know what you want and have it as your right.

Danielle’s mother sent her to the market to buy two kilos of sugar.  The shopkeeper had packed the sugar in one kilo packets and he handed over two packets to her.  Danielle was not too happy with this and insisted, “I would like you to weigh the packets for me please.”  The shopkeeper at first was not too happy.  But Danielle confidently made eye contact and insisted with a  “I-Language” statement, “I want to make sure I am getting what I am paying for.  I am sure you understand.”  The shopkeeper realized that it was Danielle’s right to ask him to weigh the sugar and obliged. 

You can assert yourself with ease, without being aggressive.  Many of us will have this fear that if we are assertive, we may hurt another person.  This is not true.  But we can surely hurt another person when we are aggressive. 

Your Rights

In being assertive, you definitely have a few rights that can keep you in good stead:

* You can be a judge of your behavior and emotions. 

*You do not need to offer an excuse of justify your stand

*You have a right to change your mind

*You have a right to say “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand” or even “I don’t care”.

* You have a right to be illogical even while making decisions

*You have a right to make mistakes and be responsible for them

You also have to realize that you can feel compassion and empathize with others, but are in no position to make their problems your problems.  You must also realize that you are responsible only to yourself and you should be able to deal with frequent criticism and disapproval from others. 

Be Bold

It is not difficult to be more assertive in our day-to-day lives.  We can speak up with our ideas and opinions and stand up for them, and more importantly,  stick to them.  We can also get out of our shell and ask for help when needed.  We must also make requests that are reasonable, without feeling bad about it, when the situations demands.

Jonathan and David were sitting close to each other in the examination hall.  Jonathan approached David and asked him, “David can you leave your answer-sheet a bit open so that I can peep into it when I need to?”  David found this request very unreasonable and refused it.  It is always advisable to refuse irrational requests.

When someone compliments you, accept it gracefully and don’t respond with, “Oh it was nothing.”  Also be prepared to accept negative feedback given in a positive light.  It is important to learn from these inputs.  When you find a custom, tradition or rule that does not make sense, feel free to question it.  Do all this and yet insist that your rights are respected at all time.  Don’t allow anyone to trample on your rights in any way -small or big.

Never Be Aggressive

It is very necessary to be less aggressive in our lives.  This can be done in some simple ways.  When we are with others, we must give them a chance to speak and be good listeners as well.  Respecting their opinions is also of prime importance.

It is sometimes important to also be diplomatic and avoid saying something that could hurt the other person, even if it means expressing your opinion.  The language you use must be pleasant and not aggressive and hurting.  And finally, it is important to avoida  bullying, demanding attitude and any physical aggression at all costs.

Benefits of Assertiveness

Being assertive can bring in many benefits.  This will surely improve your communication with others and also your relationships, both at school and at work. This kind of behavior reduces the incidence of holding grudges and accumulating negative emotions.

Assertive behavior must be practiced often so as to benefit from its goodwill.  This can lead to a very rewarding lifestyle with better relationships with family and friends. You really have a low-risk of having a hurting relationship with anyone. You lift your self-esteem a few notches and you experience an overall sense of stress-free, inclusive happiness