Ibonio D’Souza
Most of us learn to protect ourselves with defence mechanisms and personality traits that ensure our safety in the world. By adopting certain behavioural patterns, we unconsciously or consciously seek security and stability. We wear different kinds of masks to keep us from getting too hurt. However, in doing so, we close ourselves off from authentic relationships and stay stuck in the scabs of our childhood wounds.
While our coping strategies are as varied as our personalities, here are some of the most typical masks we wear:
THE COOL GUY: By all outward appearances, this person seems to have mastered whatever it takes to stay calm in all situations. Unrattled by conflict or chaos, this person possesses the composure of a Tibetan monk. However, his bottled-up emotions either result in a nervous breakdown, or he periodically presses tube release valve when no one is around, snapping at folks subordinate to him.
THE HUMORIST: The humorist tells a joke to skirt sincere discussions, to keep conversations from getting too real or deep. Uncomfortable with conflict, he will charm his way out of confrontation. His comedy serves as a protective shield. As such, he doesn’t allow anyone in, and is lonely.
THE BULLY: In our society, we have bullies everywhere. Their assertion of control can be subtle, a gentle manipulation to make you see it their way, or can be aggressive, even physical. While bullies appear to be confident in their forceful delivery of opinions and order, they are innately insecure. Self-doubt drives their hostile behaviour; an obsessive need to feel right that comes at the expense of others’ rights and feelings.
PERFECTIONIST: Some people unconsciously pursue perfectionism as a defence against annihilation. If everything is done right, then their world can’t fall apart. While the accolades and praise associated with being a perfectionist may provide some temporary relief, the perfectionist is always at the mercy of something going wrong, and therefore lives in a constant state of anxiety. His stubbornness, obsessiveness, and lack of trust build a barrier between him and his loved ones.
THE PEOPLE-PLEASER: The people-pleaser will go to desperate lengths to win the approval of those around him, because his sense of identity is largely based on the assessment of others. This mask-type solicits the advice of friends, doctors, experts, co-workers, and mentors because he lacks a strong foundation. Easily influenced by others, decisions are especially difficult for him.
THE INTROVERT: The timid person or introvert is deathly afraid of failure and rejection. He would much rather feel the pangs of loneliness than risk not being liked. Like the perfectionist, he is so afraid of making a mistake that he refuses to challenge himself. He blushes easily, is embarrassed easily, and doesn’t say much for fear of saying the wrong thing.
THE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY: Although the life of the party, the social butterfly is innately lonely. He compensates for feelings of insecurity with his gift of gab and small talk. He has many acquaintances but few, if any, real friends. He keeps his conversations superficial because deeper dialogues may expose his anxiety or shed his confident persona.
We are required to shed our masks to live to our potential. We have to bring all of who we are to what we do. The second is, it is exhausting to live an inauthentic life, wearing different masks. Another reason is healing. When we wear masks, we carve a piece of ourselves out withholding parts of ourselves as unworthy. But in relationships, we can’t be truly healed unless we offer up all the pieces. It’s like handing someone a broken vase and asking him to fix it but holding back two or three of the broken pieces.
We weren’t born with masks. It is we who put them on, so we ourselves can take them off. Hold your gifts out to the world - no apology, no shame, no regrets. As the old saying goes, every creature has its rightful place, and in that place it becomes beautiful.